Nikki's Rambles and Rants

Today a man exposed himself to me on the train platform for the redline at Downtown Crossing.

I was walking towards a bench when I noticed a man standing against the wall and grinning wildly. When he saw I was looking at him, he spread his arms wide, revealing his penis hanging out of his pants.

I guess the look of shock and horror on my face was enough for him because before I could even process what happened, he walked away down towards the orange line.

I felt completely helpless. No one else saw what happened and there weren’t any t cops around. I didn’t even know what I’d say. Was it that big of a deal? The guy was long gone and I just wanted to be on my way and forget it even happened. It’s not like I was really hurt or threatened, right?

But I did feel overwhelmingly disgusted. I felt dirty. I felt violated. I felt alone.

What right did this guy have to make me feel this way? Why didn’t I do something? He will just keep doing this and what if he escalates and actually attacks someone? I could’ve stopped him but I froze. I could’ve screamed but I was silent. I could’ve found someone to give a description to but I just went on pretending I (and the situation) was fine.

I’m not trying to blow this out of proportion and I know I’ll be fine, I just feel like what happened and my reaction to it is representative of what occurs on a daily basis in our society. I fulfilled the stereotype of the powerless and ashamed victim. Someone crossed the line, got away with it, and the innocent person suffered the negative consequences.

I wish I could go back and use all of my knowledge and available resources to stand up for myself and rally against this man’s illegal actions. Instead I have to accept that fear took over in the moment when it counted. That weakness, that vulnerability, is what scares me the most.

I keep scrubbing my skin raw but this target on my back won’t disappear.

mutualkoolaid:

also did you know that if you are in any way fighting against gender oppression & you have abuse or assault in your history then everyone will reduce your entire argument to just being angry because of that (as if that weren’t enough) 

(via survivor-problems)

whatyoustoleicanrecreate:

I recently disclosed to someone that I was raped earlier this year.  His response was so unexpected, I haven’t really processed it until now.

“So like when he was in you, when did you just give up and enjoy it?”

Wait, what?  My response was to tell him that I screamed and cried for as long as I could.  First, I didn’t know what to make of his assumption that at some point I did “give up and enjoy it”.  But then I was concerned.  Does he think that if you don’t resist the entire time that you have consented?  How long would I have had to fight for it to be a real rape?  Was he asking how long it took for me to change my mind?  Why was that his first reaction?  How could he be so confused about the difference between rape and sex?

(Or, more concerning but perhaps being paranoid, was he trying to gauge how long he would have to pressure someone before they’d stop resisting?)

What is rape?  Where is the line?  If you say no at first and then say yes, is it rape?  What if you were coerced or threatened to consent?  What if you suddenly froze, became silent and just endured?  What if you say nothing?  What if you had an orgasm?  What if you wanted to do certain sexual acts but not others?  What if you enjoyed it?

What does that even mean, to enjoy being raped?  Does feeling pleasure imply consent?  Do physical reactions (getting hard, getting wet etc.) imply that you wanted it?  

What does it mean to “give up”?  How much and in what ways should someone resist in order to get the message across that they don’t want the sexual contact?  What if the attacker presses your face into the ground/bed/whatever with such force that you can’t speak?  What if the attacker is bigger and stronger than you and you can’t push him or her away?  What is “reasonable resistance”?  

I know that people think it’s lame or awkward or strange to ask flat out “do you want to do this?” before you have sex with someone, but isn’t it worth it?  If people are so concerned about these supposed “miscommunications” and “misunderstandings” - why wouldn’t they try to make consent clear?  I greatly appreciate it when someone asks before we get physical.  Does this feel good?  Do you like this?  Would you like it if…?  I’d like to try…?  

I never thought this would be controversial, but I’ll go on record saying that sex shouldn’t be about getting the other person to “give up and enjoy it” and if someone resists either verbally or physically all contact should stop immediately.  If you keep touching/kissing/whatever after someone tells you to stop, you are committing sexual assault.  Period the end.