Nikki's Rambles and Rants

It has always been difficult for me to compliment myself.  (I am also really bad at fully accepting compliments from others.)  That is primarily due to low self-esteem, which in my opinion is due to the many cognitive distortions I’ve been plagued with for the majority of my life.  In the hospital we had a session about Healing and Recovery and we focused on positive affirmations- things that you can tell yourself about yourself to life your mood and remind yourself that you are “worth it”.

I’ve heard of positive affirmations before, and always shrugged them off.  Basically, I thought that these were all things like “I’m awesome!” and then the idea is that if you tell yourself enough times that you are awesome you will start to believe it.  Instead, we focused on genuine positive affirmations- statements that are actually true about yourself.

It was difficult, but with the help of a worksheet I was able to make a list of positive affirmations that I can believe in and use to help myself when I am feeling awful.  Some of them are rather clunky as the list is going to always be a work in progress- but it’s a good start.  I am trying to come up with more that do not have to do with how other people feel about me, but rather reinforce the good things I do think about myself.

Nikki’s Positive Affirmations

1.  People often compliment me about my emotional strength.

2.  I have a natural talent for writing- specifically journaling.

3.  My favorite place is by the water because it is very calming. 

4.  I have been told that I have pretty eyes.

5.  The color green looks great on me.

6.  I do improv comedy very well.

7.  I consider myself a good roommate.

8.  I like the way I feel about myself when I can teach someone something new.

9.  My family and friends love me.

10.  What I really enjoy most is reading (at the moment, reading non-fiction essays).

11.  I look good when I smile.

12.  My goals for the future are to have a family.

13.  One of the many positive traits I have is my ability to empathize.

14.  My friends respect me because I always take their feelings into account.

15.  I know that I will be successful in life because I will continue to learn as much as I can and improve myself and my relationships with others.

I wasn’t prepared to really talk about it yesterday, but here’s some details on what’s up with me right now.

Today was Day 2 in the partial hospitalization program.  It’s at a mental hospital, but it’s a voluntary program.  I am on medical leave from work and focusing on myself now.

The day was waaaayyyy shorter than yesterday because I didn’t have the intake appointment in the morning.  So I was feeling pretty underwhelmed and unfulfilled when the last session came to a close.  The groups hit on some good things during the day (I really like the writing therapy- obviously) but I didn’t feel like it was enough.  As everyone said their goodbyes and see you tomorrows I started to get really anxious.

What am I going to do now??????

I started to cry and not be able to breathe because I could not decide how to spend the rest of the afternoon/evening.  I wanted more therapy.  I wanted to do more and spend more of my time getting “better”.

One of the clinicians saw me crying in a corner (I just couldn’t find a way to leave) and took me into her office to check-in.  We made an “action plan” of what I could do for the rest of the day.  She suggested that I take a walk to Coolidge Corner and visit Melt, which is like the store Lush with all sorts of nice smelling soap and stuff.  She also suggested I go to Trader Joe’s and maybe get some sort of snack.  At first, I thought she was crazy because I didn’t want to go out and see any people, but then I realized that a walk outside in the beautiful weather would do me some good so I could quiet down my thoughts.

I bought a fizzy ball with lavender scent at Melt, you are supposed to put it in the bath… but right now I’m just enjoying the calming scent.

I went to Trader Joe’s and bought some fancy crackers and Joe O’s (their brand of Cheerios).  The latter purchase was influenced by the fact that they have bananas for 19 cents each.  I am very excited to eat some O’s with slices of banana for breakfast tomorrow morning.  Something as simple as that really helps me calm down and get a better perspective.

So today is done and I am preparing myself for yet another day tomorrow.  I think I can try harder to get something out of this program.  There are things I am dissapointed about, but there are other aspects that are good for me.  

Bottom line - life is not normal for me right now, so try to be patient with me.  <3

Thirty-something year old woman sitting next to me in group today was wearing maroon converse sneakers.  One was marked L with a circle around it and the other was marked R with a circle around it.  These marks were on the tops of the shoes in the white part above the toes.

Do I judge her for needing to mark which shoe goes on which foot?  OR  Do I envy her for having the balls to show that deficiency out in the open for everyone else to see?

I suppose my only concrete complaint about today is that the Hello My Name Is… badges we have to wear to go in and out of the building are pink.  I should’ve expected this from the Women’s Program, but it still ticked me off.  Apparently, this does not change.  * sigh *

katepaguinto:

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